ashton_chapman

And I'm not quite sure what it's about.

Currently it is 3:14am and I'm about ready to hop into bed.

Today has been rather interesting. Haven't accomplished much today aside from a rather cool Open Canvas session with Codex. We drew a lot of stuff :)

Didn't get much accomplished aside from that. Its very interesting though. Since yesterday I've been having the pull to start writing things. I bought a new notebook just for that about a week ago. Its setting here empty on my desk. No new writings as of yet. Other notebooks are strewn about. Pages full of this and that. I've thought about writing some of those things into new journals. By far my private journals greatly eclipse this public one. Heh, but maybe that's the way things should be. A journal isn't so much for others, as it is for the writer. Open journals are really nice for filling friend in on current events though. Keeping lives open on whats up. But as for the private ones, just writing things out helps me to solidify new ideas in my mind.

This new journal is... well... Its not quite a journal. I've got a new notebook ready. new pens that are kind of neat... I guess "new" really describes it well. I've never quite done anything like this before.

Its an inventory.

Guess thats all I can say about it right now. Matter of fact, thats all I know about it right now.

... oh shoot, and I think I might have forgotten to take my green food. Here it is, 3:40 in the morning... and wait, didn't I start writing at 3:14? Thats half an hour ago. I spend more time thinking than I do writing, seriously. Mmm, anyways I should probably be drinking my hippie stuff, then I should be in bed. The thing is, this stuff gives you energy, and if I take this right before bed... odds are I'm gonna be in bed looking up at the ceiling like o_o.

But yeah, green food. The jar says "Green Cuisine". Its this dietary suppliment stuff. Its rabbit food, pretty much :P. Honestly it smells like rabbit pellets. Its got some good stuff in there, though. Its all part of a 3 month body clensing thing. And honestly, it ain't that bad. I'm getting used to living off whole foods, getting the junk food out of my system. Y'know. Talking about McDonald's and stuff, right? That ain't food. Honestly I'm not sure what it is. It has flavor, it goes into the system, but I don't think its fit for eating... Darn, just as I was afraid... I just drank that green food stuff, and I'm starting to feel more awake... Its still possible to sleep with high energy right? >.> Power nap! Rabbit style.

If I start poopin' pellets I'm gonna be concerned. (I can already hear Codex saying "Draw it!") But I can't. I'm on a bunny fast. X_X

Well, anyways I head off to bed. I leave you with this soothing picture of sorts...

Oh yes, and Funkytown www.youtube.com/watch



*update*

Well, slept okay. Green food didn't quite give me the same effect as the last time. I have a good hunch I was just very excited. Still though, things seem to be going pretty well in the diet area. Today I woke up with the song "Yellow" by Coldplay stuck in my head. Dang, I love that song :)

I've been thinking much lately.

I think, at least in part, I'm beginning to break down to my base.

My core.

I feel I've lost something. Maybe that's the case. Maybe I've lost my self. Perhaps, even lost something I'm not even aware of. I feel a brokenness that has been with me for ages.

Why don't I speak with my Dad anymore? I know that every time I speak with him on the phone, there's something I just don't know how to express. Just hearing him say something as simple as "I love you, son". I feel like I have to fight just not to break down on the phone.

I have had his number for a few years now. But its strange. In that time I've only talked with him three times that I can remember. If he means so much to me... I dunno. Why don't I call him? If he means so much to me, if just hearing him speak makes it hard for me to just hold back the emotions... Why haven't I been speaking to him?

Now here is a question. Why did I give up on him?

Now I've known for years that you should never live in unforgiveness. I know the danger there. I've made every effort I was aware of to say "okay, I let this person go. I won't hold this against them. I'm moving on." Just, well. The thing is, I've never moved on. And I dare say I've never completely let go of that unforgiveness. I've always seen unforgiveness as something that has involved anger. Hatred, or something of that sort. But the question is, where does that anger stem from? My aunt always used to say "Anger is a secondary emotion". And its true, its never just anger for anger's sake. There's always other things involved, and I'm open to the possibility that I might have never fully forgiven my father. I look and can see there's definately something amiss. I should be calling him once a week at the very least. Thats what I want to do. But just thinking of being in regular contact with my dad makes me shrink back. But isn't it worth it though? To keep in touch? Its about time to move forward. I've been a prisoner to this long enough. My life, I feel was meant for so much more than this.  I need to grab life by the conkers and say "hello world, I'm breakfast!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnSFGLtlSYo

And while I'm going random

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhRkAzaDuyg

Okay, I go sleep now. Its 4:00 am and codex will send the clowns after me if I don't get to sleep at a good time :).

I was laying awake in my bed tonight. I had this desire to write a journal, so I figured I'd come downstairs and work something out before the moment fades. I loose too many moments that way. Just thinking about things until they burn away, impotent of any sort of benefit to me or anyone else. They become meaningless and I feel I have to move on. Lost in a dead end of thought.

Most of my thoughts tonight have become scattered in many different directions. Just different observations relating one to another. I guess that's how my mind works most of the time. Just jumping from point to point through various connections. No real rhyme or reason behind it. I guess that's why I get so confused so easily. I end up in a place and I'm not sure how I got there. I don't take much time to orientate myself with where I'm at. I just surf from one thought to the next. I guess I'm always looking for something. Something beyond the ordinary. Maybe that's why I get overwhelmed with the simplest tasks sometimes.

But before I go on a tangent and loose focus (a little too late for that :P). Tonight I was thinking about love.

Now, its not romantic love that I'm speaking of. Its the kind of love you have with family and friends. It is kind of a shame that whenever you hear the word "love" in this culture, its probably a 90 percent chance that its about romantic love. I think about that, and its really no wonder there's people out there who feel their life hasn't started yet until they've found someone to hook up with. (I've fallen into this trap myself).

And I think even more about things like affection and such. I have a lot of thoughts here that I'm not sure how to lay out in a journal. Personally, I'm very guarded when it comes to receiving affection from others. I guess I'm nervous about possible alterior motives behind it. Maybe that's why I slipped away like I did those years back. I wasn't sure who I could trust. I think that's why I felt I needed a romantic relationship in my life. Then I'd be with the only person where those motives would be okay. I thought it would be the only way I could find affection and be safe.

Though, its not safe. I found that a lack of trust is a terrible prison that is not easy to get out of. It really effects everything you do, socially. And I'm really tired of running from the things I want the most.

So anyways, I want to move on. I dare say even risk hugging a friend. Now, I've done the usual ritual goodbye hug. But what about the random, out of nowhere, "Rawr, I'ma hug j00" kinda hug? Y'know? No alterior motives involved. I've seen people do that before in rl. Close friends like that. I've always envied people who were as open and secure with themselves as that. Also, you know, its only really females I've ever seen do that, that I can recall. I think I've seen males do that once or twice. But let me ask, what is up with that? Why is it that females are allowed to be more open about their emotions in this society? Guys need love too. I mean seriously. There's some things a guy should be allowed to do. Things like cry and appreciate beauty (when it doesn't concern breasts, any other part of the female anatomy, or even a little hint that someone somewhere out there just might get laid). Dammit and we should be able to be adimant about the color schemes of our bathrooms.

Well I dunno. I guess thats about all I wanted to say. I just have a hard time finding that innocence I once had in this life. I know its there though. My memories keep me reminded that there's something out there. I miss my childhood. Not so much the situations I was in when I was young, but I miss being genuine like I was back then.

-Bunneh over and out *salutes*

I'm having a very strange time lately. Maybe not a strange time, but an unusually normal time.

I feel more okay with myself.

I'm not as worried about everything I do. I think just being myself might be possible for me. And that just might be okay. Maybe I don't have to strive so hard to find acceptance.

Its probably been 10 years since I last just felt okay with myself. I think during this time I've mostly seen myself as a throw-away. I think its interesting that in 10 years, I have never fully unpacked my boxes. Right now, upstairs, my room is full of boxes. I take them with me whenever I move, and they just kinda go along with me. I never unpack them or look through them. Thats my stuff. Aparently its stuff that has meaning to me, because I take it all with me whenever I move, but .... Its just kinda sitting up there, in my room.

I hardly even go in there.

I don't even do anything in RL anymore. I just sit in front of the computer, living my life online. Sometimes I've thought to myself "there's nothing for me here." In RL I mean. It seems the only way I can find acceptance and be somewhat happy in finding it is online.

Or, at least thats been the case.

Unno, its really early and I still have to get some sleep. I just think its been interesting. How things have been changing. I really feel more "out of the box" than what I'm used to. And its interesting to discover that there really is no box at all. The box is only in my head. Something I confined myself to to keep me safe.

But I really should sleep. Prolly shouldn't write these things when I'm heavily sleep deprived.

-Ash

I'm writing tonight because I'm not sure what else to do. Emotions I've been holding back, or covering up for months have come up tonight. I'm too restless to sleep, and I'm not sure how to find freedom from what I've been suppressing for months.

I guess I had to face reality some time. I really should have taken things rationally. I made so many bad decisions. Now looking back at it, I really wish I could redo everything with wisdom that I've only gained through hard knocks. Everything would have been different. I would have looked at things in a different light. It seems that it has only taken hard knocks to get me to wake up and start living.

*sighs* And here I am still holding back. I'm writing calmly when something inside me wants to break down and just let those emotions out. Maybe its just the thing I do when I get to writing. Maybe. Or maybe just letting out how I really feel about things would make for a very upsetting blog. Eh, nobody wants to read that. And to be honest neither would I. I guess just being rational and thinking things through is calming and gives me a sense of well being.

I was so upset tonight. I guess I'm looking for an outlet where I can find freedom to express what I really feel. Maybe LiveJournal really isn't the place to do that. I was thinking of turning to art for that outlet, but artwork is usually a tool I use to pacify loneliness or give me some kind of feeling of accomplishment. Well, in my darker moods anyways. Lately though, I've been falling into very new grounds for me, artistically.  I guess I'm finding my artistic freedom. And thats a really good thing. I don't recall the last time I had a love for creating like I have in the last few days. Its just AMAZING, the discoveries you can make just drawing a picture. Art is such an amazing tool for expression. Maybe not just expression, but... I don't know. Its like you can see something in your mind's eye, and bring that to life. Something unique and genuine that ... I don't know...its like... Colors just aren't colors anymore. All the sudden they have the ability to speak. Creating a picture turns into creating a story without words. Oh, the things you can do with art. Its simply amazing. Colors have a kind of a flavor to them, taking them in is like eating at a buffet. And its incredible how they interact with one another. I never realized how important color was. Did you know that if you have a character, and say their color scheme has 3 unique colors, if you change one of those colors... They all relate with one another. If you change one, you change the ... I'm not sure what to call it. But the feel of the character is altered. Just one color change. I've been looking at things. I don't know. But yeah, don't listen to me. I'm likely to grow into one of those crazy old guys like on patch adams. "How many fingers do you see?"

Mmh, I seem to have made myself feel better >.>

I don't quite know if thats the best thing for me though. I kind of hear you are supposed to let those emotions out but, I dunno. I figure they'll arise again some other time... Or well... I dunno. Maybe art would be the best outlet for that. Take that pain and make something beautiful. Maybe that would be a way for me to discover a part of me I've been suppressing for years.

Would that be the best path for me? Who knows. I guess in life I'm going to come across a lot of situations where the only way to figure something out is to just jump in. Its not always the best step. But sometimes its the only way to move forward. In every journey there'll always be a first step. The thing is though, it doesn't stop there. After that first step you still have to follow it with another step, and just keep moving. There's so much to take in along the way. And you kinda have to be aware of whats going on during the process, or at least open to take in what is happening around you in order to make good decisions along the way. Thats scared the crap out of me. I'm inclined to believe that my decisions suck. This belief has gotten me in a lot of trouble, heh. Really instead of being afraid to make a decision I should at least make some decision. If I don't have the understanding to make the right decision the first time, any experience I gain from that decision wouldn't hurt when making future decisions.... and well, I guess I'll end this rant at that.

Peace \o/

Found this entry when I was trying to post today, it had been saved in rough drafts a few months ago, but never posted.
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Something new is happening in my life. I'm not all sure what it is. I'm trying to understand it, but maybe its one of those things that you just don't hold in your hand and completely understand, maybe its just life itself that I'm finally discovering.

There is so much going on right now.

A lot has been happening.

I don't know where to begin.

I don't know why I find journals like this so hard. Maybe its because I always make a shift whenever I hit the keyboard. Whenever I hit the keyboard, or whenever I am around anyone else. All other times I think about things and I have things on my mind, then here where others can see me I close up. Journals are about opening up about whats going on inside right? Or, well maybe at least in part. I keep telling others that I need to do that more, but it is always difficult to follow through. Just a moment ago my mind was spanning out on all the things that have encompassed around me in this life I find myself in. Not just that I find myself in this life, it is that I'm in this existence and a part of a greater whole. Things I am doing and things others are doing, things that are happening, things that are on people's hearts and things that drive people to the things that they do. The things that they think, the things that they feel. Its all just ... Its completely amazing.

I think I'm learning to be a part of a larger whole.

Okie, so I jumped onto the LiVEJOURNAL thingy. Figure I can use a place for journals. Not like MySpace, DeviantART and Fur Affinity ain't enough :).

So uhm.. Hi. My name is Shawn in RL, but most everyone calls me Ashton. It was once the name of a character I used to draw a lot, but I started to use it as a screen name and now everyone calls me that now. Even in RL >.>. You see, my roomie and I play video games a lot, and he had trouble remembering my name so he would just call me Ashton like my screen name.

*shrugs* it doesn't bother me. Actually I kind of like having a nickname. It was kind of strange at first, really. But I warmed up to it. Most everywhere I am online, I usually have some form of the name "Ashton" either that or "Hare", which was the name of my first fursona. Oh yeah, I'm a bit of a furry :). I've been in the furry fandom since 2000 or 2001, somewhere around that time. They are good people. Sometimes a bit wonky. But I love these nuts, and I'm happy to be one of them.

Other than the furry fandom, I'm also a gamer and... I guess maybe a bit of a starwars fan. I never seen myself as one before, but since I joined my first professional gaming clan (in Star Wars Battlefront) It has kind of grown on me, at least a little.

I guess if I can add one more thing, my main thing is art. I've been drawing since I was 5. For most of my childhood I used to draw comics. I counted all my work and I think it came to about 100, 150 comics I've made? These are like, 4 frame newspaper comics I mean, not full comic books like you see from marvel and all. I first got into furry art around 2000. I always used to draw cartoon animal characters, but when I say furry art, I mean the style I've taken on these days. Less of "mainstream toon" appearance and more closer to the style I like from the artists I've seen on the internet. The first big influence on me, artistically speaking, is Dean Dodrill http://www.elysiantail.com/ . He's inspired me so much in my earlier years when I was just breaking into drawing in the style that I do today. I kind of grew up as an artist on his art forum (since been taken down as he's been too busy to manage them since working on his new film).

Few of my drawrings :P